1 heureka thing this morning

today I realized why I am a visual artist. Or video artist, which is probably the term that is closest to what I do. It's all very simple. So, I am a video artist: Because I am a writer who can not finish a longer text and a painter who can't really grasp the idea of painting. So I scrabble and make collages of images and texts that somehow all together becomes something resembling a narrative and a collage of images. Some of the images and some of the lines of words being brilliant, some of them mediocre and some probably shite. But that's it I guess and hell yeah, it's quite fun. And another fact is being personal. As a starting point. It's not narcism. It's just a method to cope with life and reality. From history to current issues.

draft from script

I will never forget April 26th 1986.
I am 11
We have just moved here.

for several years we are not allowed to pick mushrooms.
there were rabbits born with 5 legs and 3 ears.

the winds were northwestern.

but it's all going to get worse. much worse.

26 years later it's still hovering over the town.
It is still a major threat all over the world.

It is a ticking bomb. It will never go away.

I still fear it.

Lets go back to 1764..?
the town is a stopover for the king & his entourage. They would stop here and dine.
The restaurant is still there. The ceilings are very low. The king was a short man.
I remember seeing a picture of somebody who was said to be a hermaphrodite in the restaurant.
In 1786 the town gets a new name, a name of a Queen.

It becomes a famous spa & health resort for wealthy people.
the town boasts with casinos, hotels, tennis courts & cultural events.


The health well also referred to as the radium (180Bq/l) well is said to bring health to everyone who drinks from it. It was somewhere close to my old school.

there were enemies and wars fought. fortresses built.

What happened to the radium well?

For a long while the town is unimportant. Nothing happens here. A seaside town proud over the fact that the famous composer spent some summers there.

then in the 1970ies it is decided. It will be built here, outside the town by the seaside. The big plant.

observations

6.3 2012 Tegel Flughafen

man i 45års ålder säger i telefon att han ska skicka bilder "I will send pictures".
Han sitter vid Finnairs gate destination Helsingfors.
Han är inte affärsmässigt klädd mer casual. Klädd för ett kallt klimat. Hans ansikte är fårat.
Kanske är han bara trött.
Men hans blick är inträngande.
Han är kanske en spion.
Känns lite fuffens liksom.

January 16th 2012 Schönefeld airport

sort of businessman character. Short grayish wavy hair. A bit chubby and short man. Dark clothing.
wheeling his bag passing me by looking a bit guilty.
Think he is definitely going to London (total Briton). But why the guilty look?
did he live out his dirty fantasies in berlin? Is he a closet gay? And now he has to return home to the wife.

Correction. He was on the Brussels plane. Working on drafts throughout the journey. He had black socks.

18 maj 2011 berlin

Går iväg från Karstadt, ut mot Kottbusser Damm. Vid övergångs stället frågar en grå sunkig rätt ung kille om jag har Kleingeld (småpengar)
Svarar att jag inget har…Då frågar han mej om jag vill gå med honom hem för lite fucking.
Svarar ; tack men inte intresserad.

Försökte han sälja sig själv?



3.5 2011 schönefeld

man bär sin kvinnas blommiga väska. Hon drar på en sånn där väska med hjul. (vad fan kallas dom)
Det är nog lite lättare för henne så. Hon har säkerligen packat alla deras tillhörigheter i dessa väskor.
Han verkar se lite besvärad över den blommiga väskan.

(tänker efteråt på hur folk väljer partners, alltså relaterat till fysik, utseende, utstrålning mm. En rätt stor rödlätt inte så väsrt vacker man in till mej har valt en rätt vanlig blondin. Inte fet inte liten.
Bara en aningens mulligare än normen)



16.5 2011

2 typ asiatiska män. den ena yngre. Ser definitivt kriminella ut. Varför tänker jag så?
Tycker också att kvinnan i deras sällskap ser smålurig ut?

Går jag omkring o misstänker folk för det ena o det andra?

something to share

why is this action of exhibiting so important?

why does a festival have less value?

this makes me think about it all more...

I make video art and show my works quite actively at festivals and various screenings. Mostly the works are shown in smaller cinemas and or as installations in video monitors. Sometimes I guess a screening can have an audience up to 100 people in one day. A 1 or 2 week show might have the same audience or even a smaller amount…


Isn't it all about exhibiting which means showing your work? That's why an artist wants to show his/hers work - that's why an artist probably creates in the first place. She/he has something to share.

So what's the big deal?

Of course in a 1 -4 week show the audience can decide to go to the gallery every day if they want to. And I know that objects and paintings etc can not be shown in a festival really…not that easily. It would also be more expensive. Video art is not that expensive, or does not have to be. It can be done with a very low cost budget if needed and still be fucking brilliant.

The probelm is just that it can't really be sold - or yes it can - but nobody really wants to buy it. I would happily sell the rights of my videowork to someone. Imagine then they would be the ONLY ones who could watch it. But how sad isn't that?
I mean if I created this piece because I want to share my ideas and thoughts then why let only 1 person watch it…well, then I think a museum should buy it and show it every now and then. That would be the ultimate customer for my art/my ideas.

So the conclusion is that I do not create beauty only. I create content. Content I want to share. Well I would say that this is what is art. If it lacks content it's not art.

Imagine this scenario. An artist creates a beautiful masterpiece with a revolutionary content. SOmething fucking brilliant - then the piece is bought by some rich person and put on a wall in a mansion. The other rich people see it (and the cleaning lady) and they go "ooh its soo marvellous, soo beautiful - what did you pay for it?"..etc.

And thats the end of that revolutionary content…that should have been shared worldwide to everyone….

perhaps they have a cat.

maybe it is so that I need to be more provocative in my tone.

I can not rely on love, beauty. They wont listen to me.

My work wont be seen as interesting enough if I rely on good energy only.

Can I combine these energies? the provocative quite ugly with a loving message?

Why do I feel a bigger need to analyze now? Can't I just go on doing stuff working as usual?

Is it because I read that book last week. That book about an artist couple. Did I become inspired by the writers/main characters way of describing her doubts and her frustration about her work?

Can the fact that I spent quite many hours first pondering over and then reading studies about marriages, divorces and sexual relations in the early 20th century Finland have affected my need to look at my work again with a critical view?

Must add that these studies were pretty interesting. I guess we all know that marriage is a pretty recent institution but I feel that we tend to forget as well. But then of course now we are living in the super extreme individualistic society...and it seems that its becoming worse, well, at least according to studies. I can't tell really - I dont have an iphone so whenever I'm on the bus I look at people and sometimes might even smile at someone. But yeah, its true after I bought the media player for an exhibition, I have become one of those people with headphones living in my own musical. sure...according to a recent study people who have iphones are less willing to help their fellow human beings or volunteer.

But then going back to the "lonely ego society topic" - are we really that lonely? people who live in cities go out quite much yes? or is just me because I am an artist? We meet people on the streets everyday. We go home and chat on Fb or talk on Skype.

Or perhaps I am wrong? there might be loads of people who don't have friends. Real ones or virtual ones.

that's sad. perhaps they have a cat.

mr Jesus

I do not know Jesus at all.

I have not met him.

Or been in touch with him.

They told me a lot about him when I was a child.

I remember thinking that he had a quite exciting life.

Then they tried to make me believe that he would return.

They also talked about his father. A lot.
This guy called God.

He was always in heaven.

My grandmother had a painting of a bearded quite handsome man sitting on a mountain overlooking a valley.
There was this halo on top of his head & he was wearing something resembling sheets. He had long brown soft hair.

I never really could get if he was jesus or God.

The same guy was also appearing in a picture where he was escorting two small children over a bridge.
Probably because a thunderstorm was about to start.

I do not know. Was that Jesus?

When I grew older I heard that he died on a cross.

Mel Gibson made a crappy 3 hour movie about this. Watching it was like torture.

Then I heard that Jesus never died on that cross. That some people rescued him & took him to India.

Or Spain. Or Japan.

What ever. It's all very confusing.

Anyway, with a mature skepticism I have to admit that all these bible stories are just that - stories.

I get the point that it's nice to believe in something. Let's say when you're sad and you don't have anyone to call then it's quite comforting to talk to an imaginary character like God or Jesus.
And it's even better because loads of other people also do that.

But why on earth do some people think that a problem is solved because we talk to an imaginary man?

I guess it can give strength - it's sort of similar to meditation...

So, let's then think about why people who truly believe in these guys, Jesus & God, why are they so against people with other believes?
Why can't they love other people with other values and ideas?
Why do they believe they are right just because they believe their God is the right God?

Throughout history the men of God & Jesus have committed terrible bloody crimes.

it does not seem like a system I want to support. Unfortunately. Sorry about that.

Why is Steven making me feel lousy?

so I just must write.

it does not matter if its good or bad. I need to write.

because this book is telling me to. writing is my work.

what else is my work?

coming up with ideas and filming them. making photographs and videos.

writing. doing research on different topics and things.

collecting data. collecting things that give me new ideas.

looking at things.

writing about things. and feelings.

as for today. I was feeling a bit down, weak and tired. hung over sort of without a reason.

at some point I told myself to pull myself together and work. at least do something.
that I can not come up with excuses.

its all from this book. talking about fucking resistance…Steven Pressfield…

first I was nodding. knowing he is right of course. then I realized that no shit, I don't need to read this book because I am all ready doing all these things. I am the pro.
But why the hell did Steven manage to make me feel guilty?

And a bit uneasy. A bit unsure about my methods of working.

Perhaps its more rotten than I think.

I mean I always every now and then make to do lists. I submit stuff to different places. I meet people. I talk to them. I hand out cards.
I write a bit now and then. I upload videos. I edit videos.

I watch films and documentaries to find inspiration. to come up with new image ideas. I write about my upcoming work. I write scripts.

But i have no daily "ordnung"…things just sort of happen.

things just sort of get done.

isn't that good enough?

or do I need to have that career talk with myself?

a critical review of my career. nina the boss meets nina the co-worker. the secretary. the housewife. the editor, the creative writer. the AD. nina the fucking queen of her empire….


if my empire seems to be working why am I reading Stevens book?

Why is Steven making me feel lousy?

Well, now at least Steven made me write. And Steven is going to make me do a work about his book.

I cant resist that.

hear: "the professional shuts up. She doesn't talk about it. She does her work."


oh Steven oh Steven.

sometimes we need to talk about it. To remember why we started doing these things. Why we chose this work. Then we can do the work again.
And develop within our work. Development does not only happen through technical improvements.

Mike Kelley is dead.

Suicide some say. Feels strange to hear that this artist was so fed up with the art world. Or that it sort of killed him. Or did it? Well, at least it disappointed him greatly.

But Fontana, who saw Kelley last week for dinner, said that Kelley's art-world accomplishments had a price, as he had been actively struggling with what it means to succeed in a world that has become more materialistic and foreign to him.
"He had a deep discomfort in seeing what the art world is now," Fontana said. "He didn't like the fact that everything has become so corporate. He said to me: 'If I were to start now, I would never become a visual artist.'

And here we are - going on…trying to convince ourselves that what we do is important. At least its fun.

And then i read that there was this one woman, Fontana, who quit her job as an art historian because of Kelleys work. Why was that not enough? What was his idea of success? What is our idea of success? Why are we human beings so obsessed with success and succeeding? I mean, isn't the fact that somebody is touched by what we do a success in itself?
Yes, it is sometimes difficult working and maintaining a somewhat serious and emphatic position in the art world when it at times seems mostly superficial and ugly. But then isn't it time to re-position? To create ones own world and stick to that? Or what is the best strategy?

"He really wanted to be an important artist, and he worked all of his life for that. He found himself at the top of his game and then found that the world he was at the top of was a world that he didn't like. That's intense existentially."

I do also feel the need of being part of something that is important. Of doing things that feel important to me. And hoping that others will find it important. But then I do already know that I don't like the so called art world so much. I like many of the artists that I meat. I probably like many curators and gallerists too. I just dont seem to meet so many of them…why is that? Is my work not important enough. Or then Im not sexy enough. Or something. I have no clue. But then I say - rather this way than no way.
the rest remains to be seen.