I'm thinking about a story. about stories. that I rarely work with stories though everythingbasically around us is about storytelling.

If I do create a story the starting point is usually myself. a woman. well, what else could I relate to? I know how it is to be a woman.

I have tried to write about men. But most of the characters end up being quite lame and somewhat, not boring, but weak. yes, weak.
and that is quite strange when I think about the male role models I have.

1. my father of course: not a weak man really. I've always respected him. naturally a child sees the parent as something strong. My father worked hard for the familys wellbeing. Perhaps at bit too hard. He was not around a lot.

2. Boyfriends: this is complicated. this is another story. See I'm not even married yet. What does that signifye? That I AM a hopeless case or that the men I've been seeing are hopeless? How can I tell? Some that have been potential ones didn't persist. They didn't want to live seriously with someone like me. So I had to let them go so that they could go and find someone who wanted things their way. There has been people who have seemed to be happy - but then I lost interest. Why? perhaps because they were, not lame, not exactly dull, but how could I say it nicely, they lacked ambition. I love ambitious people. And that is not to be poweful, strong and a goandgetit kind of a personality I'm looking for. I mean ambitious in life...it's difficult. perhaps I'm being unfair. There has been men I've liked a lot, but I couldn't see them in a picture beside me. They'd be constant nr2s...that's not equal. I guess history is full of men who never even gave this a thought, about equality in a relationship. it's important.

Hm. Uf. this is difficult. I'm not saying I think most men are weak. But I guess all my girlfriends just happen to be so tough and well equipped and smart that they kind of overrule all the men. They shine so much brighter. or is the ambition different between the sexes?

Tell me, why do I want to write a sad story about Bernie who had it all but was still lacking something (usually "a goal" in life, a REAL exiting existential goal, not a goal connected to power or money). Why does Bernie appear in my stories? And why does Bernie not even know what he is lacking?
Why does then Pirkko know exactly what she is lacking? Why does she decide after a long while to go off and leave everything? or why does she willingly become a monsterwoman that all the lads are afraid of?
yes, and why are the lads afraid of Pirkko? could it be that knowledge about oneself is scary? that it is much easier to live in the unconscious, in a "land of not even wanting to know"?

this text is unfair and really really generalizing. it is not a finished text. it's lacking ambition. it's not dull, but not exting either. it needs something. Gotta ask Pirkko and Bernie....