sure

there are things I dont like doing.
And things I like doing.
I'm depressed. I do not know. But look at this shit.
I mean. Seriously.
What is it? Are you feeling bad about yourself? Not happy?

Its not really that.

I never wished to stand on a huge stage in front of an audience. It scares me.
All those looks. The expectation.

I'm not in for earning loads of money and prizes.

I do not know. perhaps I'm depressed.

See, I like doing nothing. I like talking. Having real conversations. I like laying down somewhere nice thinking to myself. I like seeing friends and talking with them. I like talking to strangers too.

And I really hate going shopping if there is not anything else to do. People do that. I try to avoid it as much as I can. Of course I fall into that bate too. Most things are just so meaningless. And actually bad. And they sicken me.
I hate having jobs earning money. Especially dumb jobs that just promote a consumerist society. I do not like the musts. I want to choose my own time to do things, when I want to lay down, when i want to go for a walk. When I want to write. When I want to eat. When I want to water my plants.

I want a garden. I like seeing things grow.

I guess I'm in for the so called simpler things. If that's what you want to call it.
Yesterday I saw that a plant that I got from a friend had something new and red on it. Perhaps a flower! So I have made difference. To that plant. It made me happy. It still makes me happy.
And today, it is a cold day, I heard this cat mewing. So I ran downstairs and let it in.
That also made a difference. To the cat. Its not cold anymore. Somebody heard it.

We should listen more.

I'm not saying that I'm totally unambitious. But I dont want any bonuses. I dont fancy going to the moon either. I'm afraid of space. I'm happy here. Seeing things grow.

Its all about this dumbass stupid competing. Winners and loosers. I'm not into winning. Actually I could win a prize for being a good looser.

I just want to be. To chill. See things grow. See the spring. See the birds on the sky. Swans on the lake.

I guess you say I sound somewhat depressed. lacking of energy. But I think I'm perfectly energetic. I'm writing this. I'm capable of forming words and sentences.
I'm even going to have a sauna tonight. That's nice. It will be warm and there might be a good conversation about lets say sustainability.

One of my absolute favourite things to do is sleeping. My dreams are extremely entertaining.
I love eating nice things. I like smoking and drinking good wines. I like reading. And hearing beautiful music. Sometimes even energetic crazy music.

And seeing things grow of course.

What about your art work?

Well. it is also sort of growing. I guess. Right now I think I must accept the way things are. And grow. If I wont grow my art wont grow. There would be a standstill.

But see, this silly game of winning and loosing, this dumb game of consumerist monopoly spreads its long ugly arms all around me and drags me into the plastic dungeon. My growing stops because there is to much shit around me. I can not breathe because the air is dirty. I can not see because nothing is real.

Somebody or something prevents me growing.

Well, I know there is not such thing called THE SYSTEM but all these slimy things I need to do to EARN my freedom is just killing me. If not killing - at least saddening.

I have tried to see the positive sides - but now that I have tried and tried I know it is not good. It is the same bullshit I expected it to be.
I am not saying the people are dumb or so. They just enjoy winning to much and besides they do not seem to have the energy to relax and think things over.
They might also be lacking of courage.
Because it is scary of course. Because it is enormously depressing.

Yeah, if I get a grant form foundation BLABLA I will for sure know where the money came from in the first place. From some freaking plastic cellphone sales obviously.

Everything is about merchandise.

Sell. Buy. Sell. Buy. Sell. Buy. Sell. Buy
Pay. Earn. Pay. Earn. Pay. Earn. Pay.