the fox

what makes us happy?
what is happiness?
how do we pursue it?

is it that moment feeling wonderful after a nice dinner with friends?
is it a good feeling going to a well deserved holiday?

It is definitely there when feeling loved by someone. In those moments when you lie beside someone and feel love strongly. Or feeling it through a distance.

But is that enough?

We say happiness exists in small things. In simple slow moments. Like looking out on a field. Or on a lake. Or at the horizon.
Watching butterflies, birds, animals…children.

But this makes me sad. Because I feel we do not appreciate these things enough and to be honest this is all is something we are destroying. We are destructive in our nature. It's like we do not really care because we are to selfish.

Did I feel happiness when I saw that fox lurking on the dark street last night?
What was the fox thinking?

I realized he was becoming more like us, streetwise. He decided based on previous experience that I was cool. At some point he stopped his running to sit down and scratch himself for a while. a couple of minutes and he saw that I was watching. But what was he thinking?
I do not know.

I can only make assumptions. Assumptions based on my education, experience, background and personal thoughts.



And I am afraid that nobody is interested in my personal thoughts about the fox. Or about anything else.

Isn't it sad that I think this way?

And why did I even start thinking about happiness in the first place?



It's an existential "thinkdoodle" of course. I was thinking about leaving a trace behind me. Something about myself so that I would be remembered when I'm gone. And why again am I wasting my time on thoughts like that? Wy is it important to me, to us, to leave something behind us?

We know that most things will be destroyed. I know that I am a nobody really.
To be big crowd at least.

I wont be remembered. And to be honest that does not really bother me at all.

It's this art thing. That I am creating things…for what? for whom?

Am I doing this to entertain someone? I am obviously not doing things that people want to have close to them in their homes, things that would help them go on every day - because all my works are still here at home, nobody asked for them. Nobody bought them anyway. Would that make me happy, to have some well deserved stash in my pocket...no, it would not, just for a short moment. Is happiness only there for short moments, or is it so that we can't really recognize happiness and that is why we seek it and see only short glimpses of it, sometimes false things?



And I wonder how well do we really know ourselves? How honest are we really with ourselves? And do we even care?

Will we just be gone not knowing who we really were deep down inside?

So what makes us happy, to get back to the first question. Knowing ourselves? appreciating ourselves? Or knowing the other, the unknown, like the fox I met?

it is the same thing - a meeting with a stranger. The stranger being myself or the fox.

perhaps something happens in between that meeting.

Or is it that simple that happiness comes from making someone else happy? By i.e creating an art work that makes somebody else happy, closer to himself/herself? Or even baking a simple cake.

Is that possible? ( cakes are easy, perhaps I am wishing to make the whole fucking mankind happy...then I guess I should show them my tits or what?)


I know I talk to much. I know I ask to much. But in this moment writing this made me feel happier. I felt a honest real moment with the real Nina. I got again a bit closer to her. Hi there…nice to get know you. Happy it was not just another small talk to kill time.

And after this I can walk down to the post office with the other me. And mail another video to another video festival where another possible audience will become happy after seeing my piece.