Saturday, 18 February 2012

mr Jesus

I do not know Jesus at all.

I have not met him.

Or been in touch with him.

They told me a lot about him when I was a child.

I remember thinking that he had a quite exciting life.

Then they tried to make me believe that he would return.

They also talked about his father. A lot.
This guy called God.

He was always in heaven.

My grandmother had a painting of a bearded quite handsome man sitting on a mountain overlooking a valley.
There was this halo on top of his head & he was wearing something resembling sheets. He had long brown soft hair.

I never really could get if he was jesus or God.

The same guy was also appearing in a picture where he was escorting two small children over a bridge.
Probably because a thunderstorm was about to start.

I do not know. Was that Jesus?

When I grew older I heard that he died on a cross.

Mel Gibson made a crappy 3 hour movie about this. Watching it was like torture.

Then I heard that Jesus never died on that cross. That some people rescued him & took him to India.

Or Spain. Or Japan.

What ever. It's all very confusing.

Anyway, with a mature skepticism I have to admit that all these bible stories are just that - stories.

I get the point that it's nice to believe in something. Let's say when you're sad and you don't have anyone to call then it's quite comforting to talk to an imaginary character like God or Jesus.
And it's even better because loads of other people also do that.

But why on earth do some people think that a problem is solved because we talk to an imaginary man?

I guess it can give strength - it's sort of similar to meditation...

So, let's then think about why people who truly believe in these guys, Jesus & God, why are they so against people with other believes?
Why can't they love other people with other values and ideas?
Why do they believe they are right just because they believe their God is the right God?

Throughout history the men of God & Jesus have committed terrible bloody crimes.

it does not seem like a system I want to support. Unfortunately. Sorry about that.

Why is Steven making me feel lousy?

so I just must write.

it does not matter if its good or bad. I need to write.

because this book is telling me to. writing is my work.

what else is my work?

coming up with ideas and filming them. making photographs and videos.

writing. doing research on different topics and things.

collecting data. collecting things that give me new ideas.

looking at things.

writing about things. and feelings.

as for today. I was feeling a bit down, weak and tired. hung over sort of without a reason.

at some point I told myself to pull myself together and work. at least do something.
that I can not come up with excuses.

its all from this book. talking about fucking resistance…Steven Pressfield…

first I was nodding. knowing he is right of course. then I realized that no shit, I don't need to read this book because I am all ready doing all these things. I am the pro.
But why the hell did Steven manage to make me feel guilty?

And a bit uneasy. A bit unsure about my methods of working.

Perhaps its more rotten than I think.

I mean I always every now and then make to do lists. I submit stuff to different places. I meet people. I talk to them. I hand out cards.
I write a bit now and then. I upload videos. I edit videos.

I watch films and documentaries to find inspiration. to come up with new image ideas. I write about my upcoming work. I write scripts.

But i have no daily "ordnung"…things just sort of happen.

things just sort of get done.

isn't that good enough?

or do I need to have that career talk with myself?

a critical review of my career. nina the boss meets nina the co-worker. the secretary. the housewife. the editor, the creative writer. the AD. nina the fucking queen of her empire….

if my empire seems to be working why am I reading Stevens book?

Why is Steven making me feel lousy?

Well, now at least Steven made me write. And Steven is going to make me do a work about his book.

I cant resist that.

hear: "the professional shuts up. She doesn't talk about it. She does her work."

oh Steven oh Steven.

sometimes we need to talk about it. To remember why we started doing these things. Why we chose this work. Then we can do the work again.
And develop within our work. Development does not only happen through technical improvements.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Mike Kelley is dead.

Suicide some say. Feels strange to hear that this artist was so fed up with the art world. Or that it sort of killed him. Or did it? Well, at least it disappointed him greatly.

But Fontana, who saw Kelley last week for dinner, said that Kelley's art-world accomplishments had a price, as he had been actively struggling with what it means to succeed in a world that has become more materialistic and foreign to him.
"He had a deep discomfort in seeing what the art world is now," Fontana said. "He didn't like the fact that everything has become so corporate. He said to me: 'If I were to start now, I would never become a visual artist.'

And here we are - going on…trying to convince ourselves that what we do is important. At least its fun.

And then i read that there was this one woman, Fontana, who quit her job as an art historian because of Kelleys work. Why was that not enough? What was his idea of success? What is our idea of success? Why are we human beings so obsessed with success and succeeding? I mean, isn't the fact that somebody is touched by what we do a success in itself?
Yes, it is sometimes difficult working and maintaining a somewhat serious and emphatic position in the art world when it at times seems mostly superficial and ugly. But then isn't it time to re-position? To create ones own world and stick to that? Or what is the best strategy?

"He really wanted to be an important artist, and he worked all of his life for that. He found himself at the top of his game and then found that the world he was at the top of was a world that he didn't like. That's intense existentially."

I do also feel the need of being part of something that is important. Of doing things that feel important to me. And hoping that others will find it important. But then I do already know that I don't like the so called art world so much. I like many of the artists that I meat. I probably like many curators and gallerists too. I just dont seem to meet so many of them…why is that? Is my work not important enough. Or then Im not sexy enough. Or something. I have no clue. But then I say - rather this way than no way.
the rest remains to be seen.