an effort to see what's bugging me around the issue of the nude

I have always found "the nude" problematic, in my personal work but quite often also in other work that I have seen. I have some how found it to be an easy method, an easy way to gain attraction. Well, at least when the issue has not been about been about gender, sexuality, erotic issues or so on.

Especially early photography and performance has been the IKEA of the nude…

There are lots of good great exceptions of course.

This essay is about my difficulties and my need to create something around the nude.

Yes, perhaps it's not such a biggie after all.

But there is something naive and disturbing in the use of a nude - in the same way as I can see what I was doing in my very early photographic work. I made beautiful but quite grotesque portraits with food all around them. And in hindsight it is easy to say why I did it: I was obsessed with food and my self image. I had a severe eating disorder for years. And my self image sucked big time. So no, wonder I did those images. It was pure therapy - even if I did not recognize my problem in what I was creating. I thought I was making cool images. Well, they were cool - but nevertheless they were the images made by a sick girl.

So making a nude would have been out of the question for me. A nude perfect body would have driven me to suicide probably…

But now - now I'm a healthy super woman - so why is it still an issue?

So, to provoke myself I throw myself in the saddle of Panasonic 567 and get undressed…in front of my video camera. I decide first to shoot beautiful classy nude stills. But with the quirky idea of using the in between posing material. Tom ake it all a bit funny.

After shooting I look at the footage. I scrutinize myself - as I knew I would do. I do have very small tits, and my belly is bulging in a quite ugly way. My face is only nice in profile shots (knowing this I have tried to avoid looking into the camera). Legs, back & hair is nice, sometimes even fabulous.


Conclusion: I'm a fucking pussy!

I need to go on with this. Perhaps not for arts sake, but for my own sake. As a hobby. As a final procedure. Perhaps I will find out what is bothering me around the nude issue. Perhaps I will find the right words and this all might hopefully even be of some significance to a greater audience. Perhaps it will be even somewhat important. Or what. Is it a gender issue again?

then it follows the red thread of my work.

Bon.