Wednesday, 20 October 2010
dream 20.10 2010
(uuuh)
have done s.thing bad by mistake. s.thing stupid like breaking s.thing and now will end up in prison for 12months. am preparing for that, packing things, have heard that the prison beds smell bad so I'm looking for my sleeping bag. There is a prison ward around me, he is nice and understanding. everybody around me is nice and understanding. But the strange thing is that I have told this only to 1-2 friends but suddenly everybody is there to console me which pisses me of. I even get text messages wishing me luck.
Well, we arrive to the prison. And I'm told that I cannot bring my dog with me. My dog who is behaving really badly btw. I apologize for my lack of dog training. He is not really an Alpha Male. Im in tears because I know he will now forget me. I'm walking in the prison garden (which is full of trees and plants) when another inmate confronts me and says I'm being treated differently than the others and that I will suffer because of that. I tell her to calm down and take her in my arms and hug her. Telling her that we should be friends.she softens.
Then I get the news that I only need to stay for 1-3 months. I'm really happy for that but its a bit bad as I was going to a residency for these months and am wondering if I can postpone the residency. then I realize that the prison time will be sort of like a residency and I ask my mother to bring all my sketch books, pencils and other books. I'm gathering a huge pile of materials to bring with me.
It does not feel as a such a bad place anymore. And I'm already joking around in the cafeteria. My mother says she'll come around with my dog every other day. He wont forget me. And my mother says that she is not angry with me - the same thing could have happened to her.
After all this not a bad dream even if it has its stressful moments.
have done s.thing bad by mistake. s.thing stupid like breaking s.thing and now will end up in prison for 12months. am preparing for that, packing things, have heard that the prison beds smell bad so I'm looking for my sleeping bag. There is a prison ward around me, he is nice and understanding. everybody around me is nice and understanding. But the strange thing is that I have told this only to 1-2 friends but suddenly everybody is there to console me which pisses me of. I even get text messages wishing me luck.
Well, we arrive to the prison. And I'm told that I cannot bring my dog with me. My dog who is behaving really badly btw. I apologize for my lack of dog training. He is not really an Alpha Male. Im in tears because I know he will now forget me. I'm walking in the prison garden (which is full of trees and plants) when another inmate confronts me and says I'm being treated differently than the others and that I will suffer because of that. I tell her to calm down and take her in my arms and hug her. Telling her that we should be friends.she softens.
Then I get the news that I only need to stay for 1-3 months. I'm really happy for that but its a bit bad as I was going to a residency for these months and am wondering if I can postpone the residency. then I realize that the prison time will be sort of like a residency and I ask my mother to bring all my sketch books, pencils and other books. I'm gathering a huge pile of materials to bring with me.
It does not feel as a such a bad place anymore. And I'm already joking around in the cafeteria. My mother says she'll come around with my dog every other day. He wont forget me. And my mother says that she is not angry with me - the same thing could have happened to her.
After all this not a bad dream even if it has its stressful moments.
Sunday, 17 October 2010
hoppas det är bra med dig.
Får frågan : hoppas det är bra med dig.
(den får man ju ofta, men hur svarar man. oftast. allt väl. inget o klaga på. Har varit bättre mm. själv då?)
vad svarar man då?
när är det inte bra? hur är det när det inte är bra?
lite halvbra. halvdåligt. halvskit. riktigt skit.
då det inte är bra är typ då man är riktigt sjuk och har bara 20€ kvar på kontot och inget jobb i sikte.
så, tja nu är väl allt egentligen skitbra.
om jag bortser från en rejäl begynnande alkoholism.
Men alla tror ju bara att jag skämtar. Även jag själv.
Men tänk om det inte är så. Tänk om jag om ett år är helt nerdekad och hänger på Hermanplatz med hundgubbarna.
Då har jag i varje fall en hund.
(den får man ju ofta, men hur svarar man. oftast. allt väl. inget o klaga på. Har varit bättre mm. själv då?)
vad svarar man då?
när är det inte bra? hur är det när det inte är bra?
lite halvbra. halvdåligt. halvskit. riktigt skit.
då det inte är bra är typ då man är riktigt sjuk och har bara 20€ kvar på kontot och inget jobb i sikte.
så, tja nu är väl allt egentligen skitbra.
om jag bortser från en rejäl begynnande alkoholism.
Men alla tror ju bara att jag skämtar. Även jag själv.
Men tänk om det inte är så. Tänk om jag om ett år är helt nerdekad och hänger på Hermanplatz med hundgubbarna.
Då har jag i varje fall en hund.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
attention span on mosquito level
what can I do?
here we are trying to figure things out about our lives?
and in the meantime taking time to also worry about the bigger picture - and realizing time after time that we are not doing enough. that we are doing nothing.
Bonus thought: World war III coming up. Nice one. 10 points extra if it's a nuclear war.
Think about this word then: community. local community.
what can I do about or within my local community
(this dyslexia is killing me - I feel worthless - again turning at your self…)
I left my local community. I decided to give a fuck about it.
or?
to be honest I don't know if anyone cares but I did do something, I worked with a gallery project for 3 years. I worked really hard. I thought it was huge. Back then. Now I just say I contributed to my local art scene. But that's just art. Culture. What good does that do? It's not clinging to nuclear buildings shouting your lungs out. Not standing in front of masses of scray soldiers how are about to invade an innocent village. It's just a bunch of exhibitions...openings and wine.
Now I have a new local art scene in Berlin. It's so much bigger. Actually it's huge. There's so much going on that I can't even sometimes bother. Do I need to contribute? Do I want to contribute?
What is the option? What am I doing otherwise?
Ok. What am I doing? Be honest now.
- I'm a lot at home by my computer. I write. I have a blog. Some of my texts become voiceovers for videowork. Video which I don't really even know if I should call videowork as it's mostly quite simple footage shot in 1 shot.Irrelevant narratives.
- listen to music. of course on my computer.
FUCK. Now I lost it. My attention span is shorter than a mosquitos.
What did I want to say again? what was my point? Did I have a point?
I was standing smoking in the kitchen talking out loud. I believed I said something brilliant. And I remembered I had totally forgotten about Chris Isaak.
I returned to my room and sat down to write down my thoughts and got carried away. Starting the usual whining. Self blame. Self criticism. Pity.
And then zero. Nill. Nothing.
This is sort of a big issue. It might mean I have some sort of a disorder. ADHD.
I can not focus. as I said already my attention span is on mosquito level.
I guess the point is that I need to solve this issue of contribution.
What do others do about it?
Do they?
here we are trying to figure things out about our lives?
and in the meantime taking time to also worry about the bigger picture - and realizing time after time that we are not doing enough. that we are doing nothing.
Bonus thought: World war III coming up. Nice one. 10 points extra if it's a nuclear war.
Think about this word then: community. local community.
what can I do about or within my local community
(this dyslexia is killing me - I feel worthless - again turning at your self…)
I left my local community. I decided to give a fuck about it.
or?
to be honest I don't know if anyone cares but I did do something, I worked with a gallery project for 3 years. I worked really hard. I thought it was huge. Back then. Now I just say I contributed to my local art scene. But that's just art. Culture. What good does that do? It's not clinging to nuclear buildings shouting your lungs out. Not standing in front of masses of scray soldiers how are about to invade an innocent village. It's just a bunch of exhibitions...openings and wine.
Now I have a new local art scene in Berlin. It's so much bigger. Actually it's huge. There's so much going on that I can't even sometimes bother. Do I need to contribute? Do I want to contribute?
What is the option? What am I doing otherwise?
Ok. What am I doing? Be honest now.
- I'm a lot at home by my computer. I write. I have a blog. Some of my texts become voiceovers for videowork. Video which I don't really even know if I should call videowork as it's mostly quite simple footage shot in 1 shot.Irrelevant narratives.
- listen to music. of course on my computer.
FUCK. Now I lost it. My attention span is shorter than a mosquitos.
What did I want to say again? what was my point? Did I have a point?
I was standing smoking in the kitchen talking out loud. I believed I said something brilliant. And I remembered I had totally forgotten about Chris Isaak.
I returned to my room and sat down to write down my thoughts and got carried away. Starting the usual whining. Self blame. Self criticism. Pity.
And then zero. Nill. Nothing.
This is sort of a big issue. It might mean I have some sort of a disorder. ADHD.
I can not focus. as I said already my attention span is on mosquito level.
I guess the point is that I need to solve this issue of contribution.
What do others do about it?
Do they?
something old something new
poler man slits emellan. poler jag slits emellan.
jag säger ofta HÖGT: vad fan håller jag på med?
Varför i helvete kan jag inte vara som dom andra o bara nöja mig med att bo i mitt hem, hitta nån bra karl få kids osv.
- Nina, vad fan är det för fel i det?
Nej, det är inget fel i det.
Men jag är inte redo. Jag är rädd. Jag är rädd för att få panik o dra o skada alla runtom mej.
Jag har en underlig nomad i mig. Eller nej - kanske nomad, men så här är det:
när jag var ung - då bestämde jag mig för att åka runt. jag skulle inte bli som dom andra barnen. jag skulle ut i världen. Jag svor en ed på att jag skulle göra så.
senn fastnade jag i Sverige. i nästan 10 år.
Inget fel i det. det har varit underbara 10 år. med underbara människor runtom mig. människor som finns kvar.
Men, detdär jag lovade mig själv...jag har känt mig besviken på mej själv. Att jag inte gjort som jag lovade mig själv.
och när jag åkte till Montreal 2009 vaknade nåt till liv i mej. Jag började förstå saker som jag längtat efter att få vara med om:
egentligen spelar det ingen roll var man är.
"efter samtalet med Juliana om Europa versus USA och speciellt européers nedlåtande syn på USA blev jag berörd. touched.
någon knut öppnades. i varje fall lite.
there was something unlocking in my head. an old stubborn way of thinking had to give away - and that's great. Everybody should celebrate that.
See, I think I've been secretly thinking stupid things about the European greatness.
But that's not right. not at all. that way of rationalizing is shit. complete shite.
Well, yeah there are great things, people, traditions, foods here but so is there all over.
Borders suck. At least mental ones."
ja, och sedan Paris samma år:
funny, it's like from time to time I don't feel I'm in Paris. Or to be more correct I don't feel away from home. And when I hear the tourist boat pass I look at it with amazement: thinking, wow, where am I? Am I in Paris???? what, you must be joking.
It's a similar feeling I had in New Foundland. While being there I'd constantly believe I'm somewhere in Ireland , Scotland or northern England. And when I'd see the logo "american standard" on the bathroom sink I'd be a bit perplexed - thinking - weird, why would they have that here?
And after a second remember - oh, yes, this is Northern America...
Today I almost told Pauline that I thoght this city is very French - uh, well of course- it's fucking Paris!
What is going on in my mind?
Somehow this makes me feel even more sane, I'd dare to say, even healthy.
All places are home to me.
Good.
Och nu är jag i Berlin...fortfarande på min grande tour eller letar jag efter en plats som känns som hemma (såklart jag ofta tänker på HEMMA, Helsingfors...)
there I was walking on the streeet of a unfamilar city,
but feeling quite nice
smiling to myself
I was happy
i had left all safety. but i was not uneasy at all.
I felt quite free.
I was going to all these openings. parties. meeting all kinds of new people
and not feeling strange about it at all
but still. or still, I was feeling somewhat tied up.
But just realizing that made me a bit more free. I hope.
Because perhaps its the idea of that so called fulfilled life that was holding on to me . and it was exactly that that is tying me up/down. making me feel empty. that my life is not perfect, that I'm missing out on something. That I can not fully enjoy my new experiences. like a needle pushing into me...
Monday, 11 October 2010
our lives on internet
this is something I've been predicting alreay before Facebook Twitter etc. I knew that I would be spending my life for a great deal by the computer & internet.
But I did not know that all my issues would be solved & dealt with there.
Like all these astrology mails...I must have signed up for something by mistake. Its not really annoying mostly amusing.
And as I love seeing patterns and strange connections with most things that happend and surround me, well, then even these funny mails fit in.
How on earth can they ask the questions I'm asking myself?
and yes, please, its the right time to laugh. I'm such a silly Sex & the city woman. Of course not in posh New York. Rather crack whore chic Berlin.
anyways, this is a littel example of the stuff that amuses me every day:
Dear Nina,
Still clinging to a relationship that's over? Sometimes it seems you can't let go of someone, no matter how hard you try. Find out what he's really thinking -- and if you should wait for him or move on -- with a free psychic love reading. New customers, choose your special offer: Get the first 3 minutes free, or enjoy 10 minutes for only $1.99!
would anybody pay for that?
But I did not know that all my issues would be solved & dealt with there.
Like all these astrology mails...I must have signed up for something by mistake. Its not really annoying mostly amusing.
And as I love seeing patterns and strange connections with most things that happend and surround me, well, then even these funny mails fit in.
How on earth can they ask the questions I'm asking myself?
and yes, please, its the right time to laugh. I'm such a silly Sex & the city woman. Of course not in posh New York. Rather crack whore chic Berlin.
anyways, this is a littel example of the stuff that amuses me every day:
Dear Nina,
Still clinging to a relationship that's over? Sometimes it seems you can't let go of someone, no matter how hard you try. Find out what he's really thinking -- and if you should wait for him or move on -- with a free psychic love reading. New customers, choose your special offer: Get the first 3 minutes free, or enjoy 10 minutes for only $1.99!
would anybody pay for that?
Sunday, 3 October 2010
ANNAN
SD har fått mycket röster för att folket är missnöjda i Sverige. Och det är dom för att vi har haft en moderat höger regering som påstår sig vilja fixa allt men i verkligheten har gjort det svårare för låginkomsttagare att klara sig.
Så allt har blivit jättefel. Missnöjet har lett till att SD fick så mycket röster. Dom missnöjda borde ha röstat på tex miljöpartiet eller socialdemokraterna istället.
Men varför blev det inte så?
Antagligen just for att dessa partier inte har vågat diskutera problem som finns. Men å andra sidan vet jag att Mona Sahlin har talat väldigt mycket om segregationen. Men den finns inte ute på landsbygden. Och det är där SD fått mest röster…
Så, en klassiker, då rätt väl bemedlade folk får det sämre skyller de allting på invandrare. Invandrare som inget hellre vill än att få jobba och smälta in just som det är. Få svenska vänner, integreras, dela med sig av sina erfarenheter och ta del av andras. Men så har det inte blivit för att Svergie är segregerat och det är svårt att få "bra" jobb om man har ett lustigt efternamn. Det är nog att heta Lassila.
Det är också svårt att få en bostad med ett lustigt namn. Och ännu svårare om man inte har en fast tjänst i kombination med ett lustigt namn. Och så ser det ju ut för alla oss med lustiga namn. Det är svårt för oss att få någonting över huvudtaget hur mycket vi än kämpar. Även om man "bara" heter Lassila. Efter 9 år har jag ändå lyckats få ett deltidsjobb och en hyreslägenhet, men allt tack vare mer eller mindre skumma faktorer. Arbete för att jag kan finska. Bostad för att jag är en bildkonstnär.
Otaliga gånger har jag sökt arbeten där man speciellt efterfrågat ansökningar av folk med annan etnisk bakgrund än svensk. Kopij, Carillo, Sederowsky, Lassila….vi har alla sökt samma jobb och alltid fick Anna Lundgren jobbet.
Det är inte Annas fel men man blir sur på henne.
Dethär är verklighet och jag ljuger inte. Inte ett ord.
trots att jag inte är den "värsta" sortens invandrare, jag är ju bara en liten finne. en acne plump i Sverige.
Men jag gillar ju ändå Sverige. och det gör Kopij och Carillo också. Jätte mycket!
Men vi förblir alltid där med stämpeln "annan" i pannan.
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