DO I NEED A THEORY?

THE BREAK UP PIECE

how to break up. what to say. cliches.

fuck. that's just another fun work. I don't want to be fun anymore.
I want to make scary stuff. sad stuff.
uf.
back to the sadness. the dwelling.

well, it's not even melancholic. it's beyond.
it's insane. on the border to insanity.

there is something evil in me. inside me. it keeps nocking on the door.
it wants out.
I hurt myself.
I'm angry with myself.
I can't create anything. just cause pain.

and I'm hard. demanding.

art.

what am I doing art for?
or is this just one of those moments.
I am not interested in art as such.
I'm interested in what art is about.
what it can be about. ideas.
what artists want. to say.

but it's a fucking industry. business.
and that ruins part of the fun.

what do I want?

it's a struggle. and of course I'm afraid.
it's, no, I know it's a constant, eternal battle of creation.

somewhere in our minds we believe or at least wish we could create THAT work that would fullfil our lives. give our lives meaning.
or does the creating in itself do that?
is it the fact that we think, think further than materia that gives life meaning?

well, didn't someone smart once say something like it's our dreams and aspirations that keep us happy? that we are not supposed to ever even reach the goal. we always need new dreams.
was it Kant?

what is it about?

It' s not about giving pleasure. entertainment. a short time of laugh.

I wrote something very good last night, just before sleep.
I know it is going to be very good.
I've touched the core of it before.
- no, it's not a story as such.
- it's more of a travel...a journey of the mind. images all symbolic.

but I haven't done anything about it because I'm too restless and that might ruin the whole idea. and i'm afraid that it is too selfish. lunaticlike. I don't want to be seen as a lunatic. and this country scares me sometimes. I'm not allowed to be angry. to be sad. to be strange. at least I feel that I'm not allowed.
perhaps I'm fooling myself, perhaps I'm making that all up in order to protect the sanity that is left.

But I don't have a theory?
and the question remains: do I need one?