I was on a holiday laying on a sunbed by the beautiful turqoise colored water of the Mediterrainean sea. working on a text that I had thought of while walking through a park some weeks before. I had memorized the beginning.
The story was about this man called Bernie. Bernie who had it all, but not really.
But I didn't get so far with Bernie who had it all, but not really.
I started to doubt Bernie and the story.
I started to doubt that there was a story.

So I started to write about the doubting.

but then I of course started to doubt that, myself and decided to tell Bernie to fuck off.

But when back at home I read this article about a famous writer. can't remember the name.(perhaps the writer was a main figure in a book about a writer). Anyway the famous writer said that he never starts off a story knowing how it will end. He never wants to know what happens to the main characthers. So perhaps there is somethign with Bernie after all.

Bernie was a good man. Not totally happy. But who is? And Bernie had almost everything a man could wish for. Except someone by his side. Someone like in a partner. (I was doubting about Bernies sexuality aswell, it seems so stereotypical to make your mainfigure heterosexual, why not homo instead?).
So, Bernie should be Bisexual - because I mentioned Maggie whom he had a good stable relationship with for 2 years. But that was lacking glory and magic and other things people are looking for during their lifes. So I made them break up. Bernie and Maggie it is.


I mean. Romance...that feeling of being inseparable. the feelings of missing someone so much it hurts. the feeling of slight shyness when finally meeting. the funny smiling behaviour...when the object of love is not around. the feeling of seeing the picture of your loved one in front of you when laying in bed late at night...followed by a smiling face...a happy smiling face.
patethic smiling stupid face...

aah. don't we all deserve that?

but is it easy to swop the face from one to another?
what if other faces from the past come in and disturb the precious moment?


What will Bernie do about that? when he has met Lily, who brought glory and ligth into his almost perfect life. what if the face of lets say his teenage love Maria starts popping into his fantazies about Lily....

ok. Am on my last John Player Gold Leaf. It's getting dark and late.
Goodnnight Bernie.