Robbie W.

I’ve been very depressed lately. Extremely actually. Now it’s better. It’s not by any means good but I handle it.. .I can really relate to Robbie W. singing “I don’t want to die, but I’m not keen on living either”. Must say that those words struck me deeply the first time I heard the song and ever after that…That’s exactly how I feel. And I must add that it doesn’t have to do with love this time. It’s more than that it’s fucking profound. I feel like a failure. I feel like everything I’ve done has been a huge mistake. I feel angry at all people and myself because nobody stopped me, they just let me go on. And it doesn’t help when people want to help me because that verifies the fact that I REALLY am a failure. There seems to be no way out. The only way is probably to change everything. I have to move away, get a new identity and start working with the red cross or something. I must do something important. There are people who need my help. I must stop focusing on myself. I have to take responsibility – and in my case that doesn’t mean giving birth and raising children while managing a stunning career.

“I got so much life, running through my veins, going to waste”


These words seem to come from not me but somebody else. Who is telling me to write these words. Is it my inner voice? Why am I writing in English? Why am I thinking in English? Am I afraid to hear my own thoughts? Is that why I choose a foreign language? In order to protect myself? Because this certainly is not a cool text…and a cool text would of course be written in English, possibly French. But not Swedish.


Idag har jag feber tror jag. Skall kolla termometern. Jag brukar aldrig ha feber. Nej jag har ingen feber. Har bara ont i skallen och är allmänt hängig. That’s it she said and glanced at me with a smile. Poor Elisabeth, she seems so tired. Give her a cookie and a glass of milk. That’ll cure her.